Roots & Wings
By Kristin Otts, special to Mountain Valley News
When I was younger, I had allergies. Severe allergies. The reaction that occurred when I came into contact with these allergens included sneezing fits, paralysis, inability to speak, and facial expressions spelling out extreme terror.
I was allergic to social situations.
Now, please understand that there is a big difference between fear of people and fear of being social. People did not bother me. I enjoyed people-watching – it was like studying a strange new species. People always brought an interesting dynamic to a room, with their conversations and their odd body language and their exceptionally loud giggles when members of the opposite sex came along.
No. People were not the problem.
It was when those people looked at me and expectantly waited for me to say something intelligent, witty, or cute. When someone asked me what I thought about a particular issue. When one of those members of the opposite sex came along and smiled.
Cue the sneezing. Cue the paralysis and the terror and the deer-in-theheadlights expression.
Knowing that this allergic reaction could cause unconsciousness and possibly death, I usually ran away from any and all social situations.
I spent years hiding away from my allergy and the reactions it caused. I told myself that I was just an introvert; that there was no shame in being a little shy.
Except that I was lying to myself. Because I’m not particularly shy. And although I enjoy reading and listening to music and taking long walks alone, I’m not a loner.
My allergic reaction to social situations had little to do with shyness and everything to do with fear. Fear of what people would think. Fear that I would say something stupid. Fear that they wouldn’t like me and I’d ruin any chances of having friends. EVER.
It was a ridiculous fear, of course, but I believed it. And it affected every aspect of my life.
My first semester of college I spent a great amount of time hiding away in my dorm room telling myself that “I’m an introvert. I’m just shy. It’s ok.” And as I sank into a kind of apathetic depression, I began to realize: this was not the life I wanted.
I started to crawl out of this hole I’d dug for myself. I pushed past my fear of rejection and humiliation and reached out to people. It was not easy. Every day started with a pep talk: “You are not stupid. You are not obnoxious. Nobody is going to hate you. Suck it up and live your life.”
It took a long time before I could walk into my work and my classes and actually feel like a person rather than a rabbit hiding in a hole. But once I got a grip on my fear, it was like being set free.
My point in writing this is not to condemn the introverts and the loners. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your books and your long walks.
But human beings are social creatures, and we cannot exist in a vacuum. We need relationships. We need friendships and family and love. And at some point, we all have to overcome that small fear that tells us we’re not good enough and take a leap. Smile. Ask someone to dinner. Tell your favorite joke. And trust that maybe you won’t die after all.
